Bad neighbors can be the bane of your life. Loud music and shouting and screaming can be real torture if it’s going on next door, just a few yards away from you. But inconsiderate people usually get their comeuppance in the end. The bad neighbors who moved in next door to my ex-special forces’ friend Jack, for example, soon came to regret their anti-social behavior.

Here’s what happened…

Jack lives in the heart of the British countryside. And a few years back some truly terrible neighbors moved in. They played loud music at all hours and spent much of their time shouting and screaming at each other and revving up junker cars. There was a man and wife and four big bruiser sons in their mid-twenties. Plus various members of their family visited daily, adding to the noise and disruption.

They were all arrogant and basically would menace Jack whenever he complained. To them, he didn’t look to be any kind of a threat. In his forties. Fit-looking, yes. But not exactly Mr Bodybuilder (though the truth is, he is easily capable of taking down a ripped weight-lifter in seconds).

In short, they were ignorant bullies.

What they hadn’t bargained for was the fact that Jack is an ex SAS operative. He’s very fit, strong, and intelligent. He also has the five second fight philosophy – i.e. If confronted with an enemy, don’t say a word, just attack with extreme prejudice. Finish it in five seconds.

Anyway, Jack decided to be reasonable and gave his bad neighbors three chances to clean up their act. When they didn’t, he took action against them.

Through the roof…

One night at 3:00 am (when his neighbors had gone quiet and presumably gone to bed) he got up and put on dark military-style clothing: Balaclava, black sweatshirt, and blacked up his face. He then climbed up on to his neighbor’s roof. Loosened some tiles and carefully removed them. Then climbed into the loft of their house.

He’d previously worked out where the parents’ bedroom would be. So he took a deep breath, then leapt between the beams and crashed straight through their ceiling and landed on their bed – interrupting a moment of passion.

So there was Jack standing on the bed, blacked up and terrifying, while the couple were frozen in the act of love.

Jack growled, “Sorry to interrupt, but you and your family are going to move out by tomorrow!”

He then pulled the man off his wife, jammed his fist into his throat to disable him, then grasped his (by now very flaccid) penis and twisted it violently.

It was said the howls of pain and terror could be heard in the next village.

Fast and furious assault…

Within seconds, the four burly sons burst in to see what was happening. Their mouths dropped open; they were dumbfounded at the sight of their father having his penis twisted. But that was their downfall. Jack took the few moments of confusion to mount a fast and furious assault on them – a five second fight. One precisely targeted punch on each son put them all out of action, and left them groaning on the floor.

Jack then said “toodle-oo” and let himself out by the front door.

What he did so terrified the bad neighbors that within hours they abandoned their home and moved in with relatives a few hundred miles away. Their home was later sold and some considerate people moved in.

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