Bad neighbours are the bane of the modern world. Many people are plagued by noisy and inconsiderate individuals next door. They can be belligerent and downright nasty too.

People come to me all the time to sort out their bad neighbours. The idea being to hex them out of town (and that’s being kind to them). Laying a curse is the best solution if you’ve got bad neighbours. Hit ‘em with a hex and BAM you take ‘em down with the dark arts.

The thing is, you can’t reason with bad neighbours. Asking them to turn the music down, or to mend their inconsiderate ways, typically meets with a tirade of vitriol. The typical bad neighbour, you see, likes to do exactly what they want. They don’t have any consideration for others. They don’t understand the meaning of “value exchange” between people.

But of course, if it were you keeping them awake at night, they’d soon complain to you. So with bad neighbours it’s best to shoot first and ask questions later. Basically, lay a curse on them to see the back of them.

So what you need to do is make a voodoo doll. It can be made from cloth, which you stuff (with things like Hot Foot Powder, a mainstay of voodoo), and then sew up. Or you can use clay and mould it into shape. Ideally you’d get some personal items from your bad neighbour, like hair or nail clippings. But as you’re not on good terms with them, simply get a photo of them – zoom your camera in if need be, so they don’t know what you’re up to.

Print the photo out and burn it to ashes, then mix it into the stuffing of your doll, if you’re making it with cloth; or mix the ashes into the clay, if it’s a clay doll.

Once you’ve made your doll, it’s time to do your ritual, which is best done under a waning moon, and ideally at a place of power like an old graveyard, ancient site or a derelict haunted house.

But wherever you decide to do your ritual, you need to fill yourself with hate for your bad neighbour. Say out loud or internally all the bad things they’ve done or said. Chant their name over and over. Then with sheer, utter venom, hammer a nail into the head of the doll, which is a representation of your neighbour. Show it no mercy.

Bear in mind that this could kill them. But most likely it will send them a more than a little deranged and with a bit of luck they’ll leave town, or do stupid things that lead them to leave. The thing is, though, if you do this, you do need to be prepared for bad things happening to them. Ideally, this won’t bother you, after all you’re merely meeting out due justice. Your bad neighbour was asking for it by their behaviour, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

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