UK voodoo man Doktor Snake has written to Boris offering his services free of charge – for the good of the nation…
Britain is horribly divided. So today I decided to do my bit to sort things out. My belief is we need a strong leader, and Boris fits the bill (whatever you happen to think of him). So I am offering to cast a very powerful voodoo spell to ensure Boris becomes PM. And if he ends up in Crown Court from Marcus Ball’s private prosecution, then I can fix Boris up with a voodoo “Law-work” mojo hand to get him out of legal hot water.
The message I wrote to Boris via Parliament.uk is below:
LETTER TO BORIS JOHNSON MP
I would like to offer my services to you to help you win the Conservative Party leadership election.
I’m Doktor Snake – Britain’s leading voodoo practitioner – and author of the bestseller Doktor Snake’s Voodoo Spellbook, which is into its second edition and is available on Amazon.
How can I help?
I can use my voodoo spells to ensure you become the next prime minister. And if need be, I can hex the competition to make sure they lose the race.
What’s more, I would like to offer my services free of charge – as my bit towards creating renewed untity in Britain.
But recognise that I wouldn’t want to take it further than that – as in literally “seeing off” competition with a Tombstone Curse (I’m thinking Michael Gove here).
That I won’t do.
But we can easily scupper Mr. Gove, Jeremy Hunt, Sir Graham Brady, Steve Baker, James Cleverly (although to be fair he seems like a good chap), Jeremy Hunt, Sajid Javid, Andrea Leadsom, Esther McVey, and the others too numerous to mention here.
Although he’s not standing for the leadership, I’m also a little concerned about Jacob Rees Mogg. I think he’s an excellent fellow with a great intellect. But I feel he might be working against you. Even though he’s a professed Catholic by religion, I think he is no stranger to the dark arts. A kind of Voldemort. And my psychic readings suggest he is hurling all sorts of nefarious spells at you.
I can deflect this occult nastiness. So you will be perfectly safe. Just give me the word and I will cast a “warding” spell against Mr. Mogg.
So what will I do?
Just give me the word, Boris, and I’ll configure a powerful voodoo spellworking that will land you in No. 10 in quicktime.
I will go to an old, disused cemetery not far from me. And I’ll call upon the spirits to charge the various arcane items that will go into your “Make Me PM” mojo hand (drawstring bag amulet). These include roots and herbs, a sigil stave, voodoo doll, wish paper, and snake stone.
Ideally, you would come with me to this old graveyard. But it’s not 100% necessary if you don’t wish to.
To call upon the spirits, I go into a possession trance. And once they’ve charged the various items with numinous power, I leave the spirits offerings of liquor and cigars. And sometimes money.
I will deliver the mojo hand to you…
But it may be wise to do this in secret. As the press might have a field day if they get wind you’re using the services of a voodoo doctor. That said, it might help your cause. It might unnerve some of your Tory competitors, and make Jeremy Corbin and the Lib Dems back off if there’s a General Election.
If having a voodoo man by your side is good enough for drug barons in South America, it’s good enough for you. And might well be to your advantage. For a start, nobody would dare stab you in the back (again, I’m thinking Michael Gove). Unlike Theresa May, you’ll enjoy total control over the Tory Party.
There are a lot of benefits to this, Boris. And like I say, I am willing to do all this for you free of charge – for the good of the country, naturally.
You can contact me via my website: https://doktorsnake.com. Go to the contact page and send me an email. I will get right back to you and we’ll get the ball rolling.
Very best wishes,
P.S. Oh and if the private prosecution put forward by Marcus Ball brings you difficulties, we can fix up a voodoo “law-work” spell to get him off your back.