A man should always sport a beard. It is his duty to nature and to the old gods.
A long beard, bushy beard, goatee, substantial, straggly. Choose whatever style suits you.
A beard is your power. Your life force and your verve. A beard is the mark of a warrior.
Once there was Ragnor Redbeard, for whom might was always right. And Blackbeard, the sorcerer pirate, who feared little and took what he willed on the raging seas.
Then there was the mighty, thundering Thor, long red beard flowing as he lay waste to the lumbering frost giants and trolls with his fearsome hammer.
And Odin, ecstatic shaman, with a thirst for knowledge that knew no bounds. A wanderer of the waste, long grey beard offering warmth against the biting wind, while he pulls his long dark blue cloak tight around him, peering into the dark night with his one piercing eye.
Shave off your beard at your peril. For it is your strength and your might.
Trust not the clean shaven, for they may be slimy deceivers, slithering serpents out to disavail you of your money and wares.
And beware the shallow hipsters, whose beards are always fake, no matter how hard they try. When the next fashion comes along, you can be sure they’ll adopt that. If it’s pointy ears, they’ll have pointy ears.
That’s the way of the hipster, the fakester.
For the love of the old gods, grow a real beard. Take up the sword and the spear. String the long bow. Stand firm.
Face down your enemies with a steely stare and growl of fury, and let them see your long, trailing beard.
Light the night sky with your torch aflame. Let out your battle cry and always be true to yourself.
Grow your beard, long and trailing, casting the shadow of the warrior, unflinching, unfailing, loyal and sound.
And when death finally comes for you, your long, majestic beard will be a sign to the shield maidens to take you from your last battleground to Valhalla. There, at Odin’s great table, you shall feast with the fallen warriors of the long beards.
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